How to Avoid the Toxic Positivity Trap
Photo by Sydney Sims for Unsplash.
Dodge Toxic Positivity and Boost Your Mental Health
By Marnie Kunz
Toxic positivity — acting happy when you’re really not and denying unpleasant experiences — is a far-reaching problem for many Americans, especially as the pandemic increased isolation and mental health issues. Whether you’re not feeling the “good vibes” or seeing everyone’s #grateful posts on social media makes you want to hurl, you are not alone.
Mental Health in America
According to Mental Health America, 19.86% of adults in the U.S. experienced a mental illness in 2022, which is equivalent to nearly 50 million Americans, and over half (56%) of adults with a mental illness received no treatment. With mental health problems at high levels and the contrasting phenomenon of high social media usage and the pressure to show highlight reels, toxic positivity is a growing problem.
What Is Toxic Positivity?
Photo by Marques Jackson Photography.
Toxic positivity is a false, superficial sense that life is almost always perfectly wonderful, according to therapist Tanya J Peterson, NCC. In this type of unrealistic positivity, people often force themselves to only see the good and deny any negative aspects of life. It’s this denial that is ultimately toxic.
Toxic Positivity and Holidays
With the holidays in full swing, avoiding toxic positivity this season can be especially challenging.
“Cultivating a positive outlook does not mean ignoring or denying problems. It means noticing problems and allowing yourself and others to feel upset while simultaneously paying attention to all the other good things that exist beyond the problems. ”
“Our first (covid-19) holiday season is in full swing with Thanksgiving days away, bringing with it the internal stress of wanting to maintain a rosy outlook and bask in sugary-sweet gratitude, unattainable transcendence, and enviable levels of Zen,” says Bridgit Dengel Gaspard, LCSW. “There is a lot of social pressure to stay positive, especially at holiday gatherings.”
But positivity can take a toxic turn when it makes us deny reality, and repress our real experiences of fear, pain, sadness and loss. Losing a family member, home, job or relationship are all common experiences during pandemic life, not to mention added stress from homeschooling, changed schedules, moves, and loss of social lives. Pretending these losses and challenges don’t exist can cause long-term damage to our mental health.
“Toxic positivity is inherently invalidating as the human experience must include its wonderful array of emotions, so individually and collectively we can flourish from the wisdom of diverse perspectives,” Gaspard says.
#Blessed and Blitzed: The Truth Behind the Posts
Although we all have reasons to be grateful, social media pressures us to overlook complex and challenging feelings and situations in favor of simple #blessed photo streams and #grateful posts in exchange for likes and social approval.
Social media has long been a breeding ground for “living our best lives,” encouraging people to post their happiest moments and biggest milestones while hiding struggles. This can give the average scroller the feeling that everyone else is doing better, feeling better, is more accomplished, and is happier. The comparison trap is the fuel that keeps social media raking in billions of likes, views, and ultimately, advertising dollars, but at what cost to our mental health?
Reality Check
While learning to be positive in the face of adversity is a great element of mental health, ignoring and repressing unwanted emotions is when positivity becomes toxic. When scrolling social media, it’s important to remember that the endless happiness and gratitude pouring out are just one side of people’s lives.
In reality, everyone has challenges, they just don’t post about them.
Healthy Positivity vs. Toxic Positivity
When it’s realistic, positivity is a healthy character trait and outlook on life, according to Peterson. Good positivity is based on the notion that challenges are a part of life, but we can thrive in spite of them, Peterson says. Life isn’t perfect, and we all face problems and stressors. Cultivating a positive outlook does not mean ignoring or denying problems. It means noticing problems and allowing yourself and others to feel upset while simultaneously paying attention to all the other good things that exist beyond the problems.
Knowing what good versus toxic positivity looks like can help you spot the difference in yourself or a loved one. Peterson offers some insights as to what to look for to tell if positivity is toxic or helpful:
Toxic positivity looks like:
Denial of negative thoughts and emotions and trying to prove that everything is perfect.
Refusal to talk about upsetting things.
Trying to force fun and enjoyment by engaging in unhealthy behaviors such as substance use or frequently “zoning out” to avoid facing life fully (such as excessive TV watching, excessively pursuing an interest at the expense of relationships and responsibilities — any activity or behavior designed to help you escape reality on an ongoing basis).
In contrast, healthy positivity looks like:
A willingness to acknowledge and discuss problems in order to find a reasonable solution (even in the face of situations beyond our control, such as the coronavirus pandemic); for example, with good positivity during the holidays, you acknowledge the disappointment you feel for being unable to gather with friends and family or participate in your traditional holiday activities, and then you seek new ways to make your holiday meaningful and special.
Creating new routines and activities to replace those you can no longer do.
Identifying the good in yourself, others, and moments of each day even though there are problems, and expressing gratitude for the good.
How to Be Positive in a Healthy Way
By seeking out ways to acknowledge and adapt to hardship, we can all cultivate a healthier positive outlook that is not toxic.
In addition, practicing self-care is a great way to combat toxic positivity this holiday season, advises Gaspard. Self-care is any activity that nurtures mental, emotional, and physical health.
“To mentally handle Thanksgiving, list your higher goals for Thanksgiving Day. Once you are clear on those, access the parts of yourself that can help you embrace where you are and attain that goal,” Gaspard advises. That might mean making practical decisions like not drinking, or turning off the Zoom camera sometimes, in order to have a healthy Thanksgiving.
How to Avoid Toxic Positivity This Season
It is impossible to avoid toxic positivity altogether unless you quit all social media, but you can set limits on your consumption and also engage in more meaningful, healthy positivity in your own life.
Here are some more tips to avoid toxic positivity, from Peterson:
Recognize your full range of thoughts and emotions. Rather than pushing away negative thoughts, acknowledge that you’re having them. This acknowledgment lets you face them and ultimately decide what to do about them.
Let go of self-judgement and self-criticism for having negative feelings. Know that it’s normal to feel upset (sad or angry or anxious or anything else that might be unpleasant to experience) because of the pandemic-related changes and restrictions. Rather than being mean to yourself for these very normal feelings, allow your feelings to be what they are in a given moment.
Acknowledge the disappointment you feel, for example, for being unable to gather with friends and family or participate in your traditional holiday activities.
Once you’ve been honest with yourself about your thoughts and feelings in order to avoid toxic positivity, you can take the next step to avoid becoming stuck in the negative. Pay attention to the moment you’re in rather than remaining caught up in your thoughts and feelings. Acknowledge any problems, and then expand your attention by looking for something positive. This helps you feel centered and balanced.
From this position of balance between acknowledging what is wrong and identifying what is right, you can then choose your response. “You can decide what actions to take to turn a bad situation around and create a holiday that has meaningful, positive moments despite the fact that it might not be the holiday you wanted to have,” Peterson says.
Do you have strategies to combat toxic positivity? Share your tips below.
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Marnie Kunz is a NASM-certified trainer and USATF- and RRCA-certified running coach and the creator of Runstreet Art Runs, which bring together communities through running and street art. She is a Brooklyn resident, running coach, Akita mom, and writer.
